A one act play by Anders Thompson.
[Stage right, center. The play begins in a house, possibly the dining room with two chairs and a table and their school supplies clutter the area. Brains is reading the assignment out loud to Joker and sounding slightly condescending. Joker finds this strict and banal beginning to the project almost too much to bear…]
Brains: …You may choose any piece of literature, script or lyric that is school appropriate and present a creative interpretation of it in front of the class. It must be longer than three minutes and no more than ten. You will be graded on: appropriateness of the piece, accuracy in interpretation and a submitted copy of the piece with your explanations….
Joker: [Cuts off Brains] I’m a teacher with no idea of what I’m doing so I force my students to do stupid projects while saying “You’ll understand what this is about later in the semester…”
Brains: [Interrupts Joker] Excuse me?
Joker: [Plows ahead] So we think long and hard and finally come up with something that we can all be proud of and do it in front of the class to get our precious little “A”.
Brains: [Pauses, confused] What in the world is this about?
Joker: [Surprised, pretending as if forgot Brains was there] Oh, I’m doing the project right now; how’d you like that interpretation? I know, I know, it’s not long enough, but the sword fighting should make it longer…
Brains: [Completely serious] We are not doing the project on… on the project! I don’t care if you think it’s “stupid,” we still have to take it seriously.
Joker: Whatever. Oh, just curious, did you do the math assignment already?
Brains: Of course… [Joker smirks] …what’s that supposed to mean?
Joker: Nothing. Say, have you had any ideas about what to do for this little project?
Brains: Well, I have given this some thought, [Clearly has it completely thought out] and I think we should do something from Shakespeare; and if I may suggest, Romeo and Juliet.
Joker: [Looks disgusted] Are you trying to suck up to the teacher or does it come naturally? [Brains looks offended] Anyways, you don’t have to do anything to finish the project, I have it all figured out…
Brains: Your idea is not going to…
Joker: [Hurriedly, cuts off Brains] No, no, no. Don’t you worry, that bit on us interpreting the project was a joke; this, however, is no joke. Picture this: Romeo and Juliet [Brains is confused] …with robots!
Brains: [Deadset] There were no robots in Romeo and Juliet. Can‘t you act serious for one moment, at least while we’re stuck as partners.
Joker: [Is sincerely hurt] Goofing off is an art. It helps to cover up the bad in the world. Whatever, just…what’s your idea? [End Scene, lights out]
[Stage left, center/down. Minimal set, Actor 1 and 2 are in place, Actor 2 is situated in the “balcony” and Actor 1 is slightly downstage.]
Actor 1: [Theatrical, as Romeo] O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o’er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.
[Addresses the audience] I, of course, mean by this that I consider Juliet to be likened to not only an angel, but also as a figure of classical mythology. She is the “messenger of heaven” because of my high esteem for her.
Actor 2: [As Juliet] O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.
[To audience] I am desperate to see Romeo because we are both caught up in young love, and I want him to renounce his status as a Montague, or swear himself to me and I’ll renounce my status as a Capulet in order for us to be together and not be separated by the family feud. [Both freeze]
Actor 3: [As Woody Allen, as Shakespeare, to audience, appears from off left.] Lame, I know, but you need to keep in mind the time period. I mean, you can’t just stick two people on stage, have them say simple lines and expect the audience to love it. Not that I would know how to make people love what I write, even I admit that I’m a crock. This writing biz isn’t even all that hard, eighty percent of success is showing up. And get this, I don’t even want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying. To tell you the truth, I wanted to do things my way, like have a robot play Hamlet…
Actor 4: [Walks onstage right, silver uniform, robot like. Actor 3 will tutor 4, adlib.]
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
Actor 1: [Storms over to actor 3, angry] Excuse me? This is my scene, go peddle your ideas somewhere else! [Notices actor 2 making “eyes” at actor 4] Hey, are you hitting on my girl?
Actor 2: O Romeo! Leave him alone, I think he’s cute!
Actor 4: [Uncomfortable and confused.] Uh… um… does not compute!
[Actor 1 and 2 will repeat their lines without the explanations, 3 will be tutoring 4. All will grow increasingly louder. Actor 4 will chant “to be, or not to be…” with “Daisy, Daisy” at the crescendo. End Scene, lights out.]
[Lights up on stage right, Brains is sitting at the table, head down. Joker is standing apart with a smirk.]
Brains: [Lifts head, is accusing] You’ve ruined Shakespeare!
Joker: [Pleased with himself] Hardly, I spiced it up, you know? Add a touch of modern directorial genius…
Brains: [Angry, cutting off Joker] …and don’t forget your precious little robot reference!
Joker: Well, I can’t let you have all the fun, now can I? [Taunting Brains] Oh, I did, however, enjoy you splicing Hamlet with Romeo and Juliet.
Brains: [Defeated] Oh, shut up. Once you added your take on Shakespeare it all went to hell. Why can’t you just stick to the criteria and come up with an accurate interpretation?
Joker: [Pauses, confused] Where’s the fun in that? If he wanted us to stick to the project sheet he wouldn’t have given us it at all.
Brains: [Completely flabbergasted] What!?
Joker: [Pushes some school stuff off of the table.] I swear, there’s way too much school crap covering up everything…. So Brains, why do we have to adhere to the project sheet?
Brains: [Cautious] Because that’s what he wants. If he told us to interpret some form of literature and left it at that, no one would know what to do.
Joker: You mean you wouldn’t know what to do. I, however, am quick and spontaneous. I’m cute and fun that way. Honestly, if we were to do everything as we were told, we would be surrendering to tyranny… or something. I don’t know. I slept through gov.
Brains: Ok, dissent is important, but this is different. We were given a document that clearly provides for an order of conduct…
Joker: [Cuts off Brains] I beg to differ, there is always room for interpretation. Isn’t that what all this is about?
Brains: You know what? Fine, if you understand this so well then why don’t you come up with an idea that embodies your philosophy.
Joker: I’m way ahead of you. [End Scene, lights out.]
[A spotlight on Actor 1, dressed as a P.I.; the mood is film noir-ish.]
Actor 1: [To audience] I was sitting in my office when he came in. I was expecting some dame to hire me to find out what happened to her friend this afternoon, but I got some goofy guy in a big hat instead, ramblin’ on about some fella on first base. I tell ya, life ain’t easy or sane in this biz. After a few questions, it was obvious that I needed to investigate this more and find out who exactly was on first…
[Light opens up on rest of set, Actor 3 is at a desk and is dressed as the Mad Hatter. Actor 3’s moods will range from utter wackiness to desperation and seemingly near a breakdown.]
Actor 1: [Forcefully] All right, you! I’m only going to ask you this once, who’s on first?
Actor 3: [Casually] Yes.
Actor 1: [Pauses] I mean the fellow’s name. [Both will gradually lose patience.]
Actor 3: Who.
Actor 1: The guy on first.
Actor 3: Who.
Actor 1: When you pay the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Actor 3: Every penny of it.
Actor 1: Who gets the money…
Actor 3: He does, every dollar of it.
Actor 1: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first.
Actor 3: No. What is on second base.
Actor 1: Now you listen here, and you listen good! Either you tell me who’s on first or I’ll…
Actor 2: [Comes onstage left, interrupts Actor 1] Sorry I’m late, I was finishing up a project. Now, then, Mr. Hatter have you contacted your lawyer yet?
Actor 1: Hey pal, this is my…
Actor 3: No lawyers! [Panicked] They’re too organized!
Actor 2: [Looks offstage] You’re in luck, looks like your lawyer showed without you calling first!
Actor 4: [Angry, addressing Actor 1] How dare you interrogate my client without my presence! Thank goodness for cops who do things by the book like your partner.
Actor 1: [Offended] He’s not my partner!
Actor 4: [To Actor 3] You didn’t say anything to him, did you? [Not waiting for an answer, doing his best to keep him quiet] Good, now don’t you worry about a thing, I’ll take care of everything.
Actor 1: [To Actor 4] Listen, you shark…!
Actor 2: [Apologetic, to Actor 4.] My partner didn’t mean that, he’s just a little hot tempered. Are you all right Mr. Hatter? Could you use some water or a break?
Actor 4: No thanks. [Refuses to let Actor 3 talk.]
Actor 2: [To Actor 1] You did read him his Miranda rights, right? [All start talking very quickly, hardly waiting for one to stop talking before the next starts.]
Actor 1: I don’t need to bother with that!
Actor 4: This is highly illegal!
Actor 3: You’re way too organized, it’s not natural!
Actor 4: And you’d best keep your mouth closed!
Actor 2: We have laws in place to keep order and to structure society, you should know this.
Actor 3: [Picks up a legal folder off of desk, throws contents into air and stands up.] I’m telling you, Who’s on first! [Lights down, end Scene.]
[Lights up stage right. Joker’s head is on table, Brains stands over him triumphantly.]
Joker: You ruined Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First?”!
Brains: [Blown away.] What?! You… the mad… I ruined it?
Joker: You don’t understand, it took me years to fashion that into a work of art.
Brains: Are you serious?
Joker: Nope, not at all.
Brains: You see? Nothing you do is serious, it’s all a big joke!
Joker: At least I don’t make everything so orderly it makes people crazy.
Brains: Just… take it seriously!
Joker: You… shut up!
Brains: Real mature.
[Actors come onstage, lights up on stage left.]
Actor 2, 4: [Unison] Grow up, and take some responsibility for a change.
Joker: Your whole idea of responsibility is messed up.
Actor 1, 3: You can’t live your life according to how you’re told. Take some creative license for once in your life!
Brains: Oh, and doing the opposite is just what we need?
Actor 2, 4: Chaos and parody don’t solve or do anything. You’re just making up for some inadequacy.
Joker: Like you know me at all.
Actor 1, 3: Humor sustains me. Why take this so seriously if it doesn’t matter in the end?
Brains: Do you think I like having to take control and do everything?
Actor 2, 4: People like you always fail me. Why should I suffer for your lack of interest?
Joker: Stop and listen for a change.
Actor 1, 3: I am ignored. Why do anything with conviction if it’s not appreciated?
Brains and Joker: [Yell] What’s your problem?
Actor 1, 2, 3, 4: [Individually, different sound from each] Nothing…
Brains: Nothing is wrong with me.
Joker: Well, nothing’s wrong with me.
Brains: [Awkward pause] Is there something wrong with us?
Joker: Yeah. I really don’t like you.
Brains: I mean, why can’t we work together?
Joker: No. I really don’t like you.
Brains: The feeling is mutual. So where does that put us?
Joker: I don’t know. Agreeing for once?
Brains: Something tells me this doesn’t count. You know, maybe I wasn’t listening to you enough…
Joker: Yep, you really messed up there.
Brains: I want to start yelling again, but it’s not worth it.
Joker: Now you’re starting to see my point of view.
Brains: It’s not even that, we’re just too into ourselves to understand what we’re doing.
Joker: You’re right, we should hug and discuss our feelings and how we aren’t good people and don’t listen and… vomit.
Brains: Get over yourself, you think this project doesn’t matter, but neither does your attitude. No matter how unnecessary you think something is, sometimes it just needs to be done.
Joker: So, does this mean you’re going to do the whole thing on your own?
Brains: [Reluctant] Yes.
Joker: We haven’t gotten anywhere.
Brains: No. No we haven’t.